Change is Okay

This is just a short post today.  

Sometimes we get so stuck in our ways and our daily goings, that we loose focus and joy for life.  Today has been hard for me, I couldn't tell anyone why, just hard.  I have felt like a slug all day.  Didn't want to do anything that meant being productive.  But when there was about 90 minutes left of my day at work, I was getting the push ( I guess from God) that it was time to leave.   Run errands for work and head to the dance studio.  The dance studio is where I find pure joy.  I do teach many classes, all ages actually, but I also find myself receiving instead of just teaching and giving. The change of scenery was just what I needed.  I have choreographed a good bit of music, prepared for classes tonight and this week and next week.  Change is what I needed.  Thank goodness I listened to God. 

We need to be reminded to not get stuck in our routine and get lost without having joy.  

Something New For Me

Each change a season brings new things.  The seasons have changed and I decided that I would welcome something new into my life.  But more than welcoming something new into my life, I have had the chance to reflect about myself over the last couple of days!  And with all changes, seasons too, reflect is a healthy thing.   On the eve of the autumn equinox, marking the end of summer and the first day of fall (in the Northern Hemisphere), I decided to become a Mary Kay consultant.  

For about a year now, I have been setting along the edge of the fence debating if Mary Kay was the right thing for me to do, would it fit in to my life like everyone says it will?  I am an already super busy person that barely finds time to make my bed or put away my clothes, so why in the world should I even be thinking about joining Mary Kay.  As time as gone on, something more true about me as shined through - I don't jump into things, I mull them over.  And in this case its been about a year.  But we all have things about us that make us who we are, and for that I am truly grateful.  I tend to think about the whole picture, think about how doing something will change or alter my life, how it would impact others, how I would respond to it as time goes on, and so much more.  But for something as rewarding as Mary Kay, I am thankful that I mulled over it for so long. 

During a phone interview with my Mary Kay unit director, and recruiter (I am going to have to make sure I know all those titles and descriptions), we talked about what I was thankful in my life and what qualities that I value in my life.  And while I don't totally know what I said (because I truly believe the holy spirit had hold of me), what I do know is that my family is number one!  Not just mom and dad, but the concept that being part of something larger than me that enjoys spending time together, its incredible.  And I am extra blessed that my boyfriends family is the same.  We attend family reunions, large holiday gatherings, and so much together with our families.  

Mary Kay consultants have told me, Mary Kay just fits into you life.  And while I still don't totally grasp that I can see where it will.  There is only one reason that I am able to do anything in this would, and that is because of my Absolute #1, God and my faith. Without the guidance that he provides and my determination to listen to what he wants me to do and where he is leading me, nothing that I have done would have been possible. 

Also during that phone interview, I was asked what 3 words describe me.. and again, I don't recall everything I said, but as I reflect now, these would be what I choose.  

Compassionate - I have compassion to care for others.  I have compassion to see the joy in those that I impact.  I have compassion for the homeless, those with out shelter, those living in situations that they cannot control, the invisible elders, and serving others.  I have compassion for teaching children dance, showing them that they can do anything.  I have compassion for helping someone see joy in their lives or whatever they are learning or doing.  I have compassion for being a servant of Christ. 

Change - If you know me on the social media world, you have probably seen the #bethechange or #anyonecanmakeachange.  This would is full of things that need to be changed, and I truly believe that we all can make a change.  But along those lines, I believe that I handle change well.  I am open to seeing what opportunities are going to come from that change.  Most people don't like change, don't want change because they way they are doing it is working out great.  But I see change as being the opportunity for us to make a difference in the world and for something new to happen. 

Control - Now most people would say that being controlling is a bad thing, and I agree.  But I describe myself as being controlled.  Being someone that does that best to make it appear to others that I am handling life well and it is controlled.  I do however, enjoy being a leader.  Being in control of our lives is what makes us be able to do more.  Someone once said to me, you need to limit adding things to you life, you are going to over do it and burn out on life.  And while I have learned how to limit some things, I strive off of being busy and stay in control of my life. 

This is a new season for me, I am excited (a tad with butterfiles) about becoming a Mary Kay consultant.  I am not totally sure how I see everything happening, and like I said above, I mull things over.  But I am thankful that I climbed the fence, sat awhile along the way, and finally signed my agreement.  We have no idea where life is taking us.  I prayed about this, as I do with everything I mull over.  For some reason, the start of a new season, is when I was told to add this to my life. Don't let life get in the way of living the life you are in control of, make the best of it!  God gave his life for us, so that we could live ours.  I look forward to having Mary Kay part of my life, and seeing where it takes me to be a servant of Christ. 

Dear God, Your guidance is needed daily.  Keep reminding me to talk to you.  You are the reason I have opportunities, and for that I am truly grateful.  Please watch over my dear friends as they move back home this week.  And thank you for continuing to walk with me as I work on losing my life to find the one you have picked for me. In Jesus holy name, Amen. 

Jumping Hurdles in Life

One of the biggest blessings of life, that I often find myself forgetting or being thankful for, is the ability to reflect on life.  Reflect on what God has provided for us. Reflect on the struggles that have impacted us.  Reflect on hurdles we have overcame and hurdles that may still be in our way.  We are able to reflect on the blessings of life, and for that I am grateful.  Today, I truly believe I have finally crossed a hurdle and pushed it aside. 

On July 10, 2015 I was for sure my life had ended.  Not in the standpoints of life and death.  But ended in the since, that all I had worked for, all that I had pushed and believed it, it had been no good.  Everything had been wasted and lost.  For 6 months prior, I had been operating as Shelter Coordinator.  This is not a position, that I walked into having all procedures set in stone.  This is a position, that I had worked tireless hours over developing policy and procedures, volunteer and training materials, designing a layout for a check in routine and developed an intake process for.  This position was a huge on taking, but I felt that God had put me there and I was going to conquer.  This position had developed on remolding an old building in downtown Lenoir to become Lenoir's first Emergency Shelter for men, women and children.  This position had developed on working with construction crews to hang sheet rock, determine doorways and locations of toilets.  This position had been developing on making presentations to churches, service groups and others about the mission of this shelter and what it was to become.  This position had been developing on being interviewed by newspaper and students for papers.  This position, had not come easy, but it was my baby and I did everything for it.  We opened the doors of this shelter on one of the coldest nights that January in 2015.  No one came to stay, but I was so thankful that we were able to open that night in the event that someone did need a warm place to stay.  But in no time, the shelter became full, I was over capacity, but the temps were low and people needed a place to go.  I worked tireless hours training volunteers, doing intakes for residents coming in, doing laundry, making sure their was food in the kitchen, case management for all my residents, and most of all being the light of Christ.

 Each day my feet were exhausted and my body was weary, but God lead me. He lead me though an average of 2 presentations a week.  He lead me though failed drug tests of clients and rules being broken.  He lead me though volunteer vacancies and random locker searches. He lead me though snow days and resident panic attacks. He lead me. There's not a day that I would have wanted anything more than being in that shelter.  Winter was hard, but God lead me. We celebrated 100 days of being open with an ice cream party.  In just my 6 months of being there, I had over 60 residents. Some came and went, and some stayed awhile.   The days went by and I wish I could remember all the experiences I had.  I wish I had journaled more, not about the residents, but about the moments.  

But on July 10, 2015 - what happened that day - I did not see coming.  Days leading up to it, I had experienced struggles.  Struggles harder that I can imagine.  But what happened that morning at 9:00 something, was more devastating than I ever thought could happen.  I was told that I would no longer be the shelter coordinator and I was not allowed to tell residents or volunteers goodbye.  That day, my heart was broken in more ways than 1, in ways that I still cannot put in words.  It was more than learning I would no longer be the Shelter Coordinator, it was more than being told I couldn't say Goodbye, it was how it was handled.  And that is when the biggest hurdle I have ever seen, was placed in my life.  No hurdles had been that big to me before.  I loved that place and those residents like they were my family, because they were.  I had spent Valentines Day with them, July 4th, most weeks 7 days solid, I was there when breakfast was served and when supper was ready, some nights I even slept there.  I was there when relationships were broken, for panic attacks, for celebrations, for everything.  We were a family.  And with every family there are thorns, and we had them, and while I was the leader as Shelter Coordinator, we still tackled them all together. 

I can still remember that day, every detail of how it went down.  I still remember that weekend following and how the news of how I had been asked to leave was twisted.  I still remember the shock of reading a letter sent to volunteers, signed with my name, that I had not written nor signed.  I still remember how it felt to pack my office and not get to say goodbye to my family. I still feel the pain of feeling that my life was over.  And everything that I had done was worthless.  

Days went by.  I could not drive by without feeling the pain.  Months went by, and I still detoured to avoid passing.  A year went by before I could feel okay to step foot back in the place.  The floors and wall, the place had done nothing to me, but the leadership and management had caused me more pain than I can describe.  

Now two years later, and I still have that pain.  I plan very carefully, when I visit.  I donate specific items that I know they need.  But even two years later, I feel very stabbed by the hurdle that was placed there.  And while I still do not feel like I can fully serve there, I do feel that I have crossed that hurdle. Some of the biggest blessings of life have come from that experience.  And I am beyond grateful for everything that it did for me.  I pray about it daily.  I drive by with a smile, knowing it was because of how God lead me that the place is standing and operating to serve men, women and children that find themselves without a sustainable place to live. 

God has lead me to step out of my comfort zone and join a new church.  I've been attending for 6 months now, but am slowly getting connected. Nothing was wrong with my growing up congregation, but when God leads you, I knew I had best follow.  God has lead me to reconnect with some volunteers that I never got to say goodbye to.  God has lead me to reconnect with some residents that I had.  God has lead me to speaking with others about my time there.  God is leading me in a direction that I do not know, nor want to know, because I want to grab every opportunity and thing along the journey. 

I do not share this story, looking for pity.  I share this story, because God is telling me to.  I share this story, because everyone has hurdles in their life, big or small, they are there.  And by giving your life to God and letting him lead you, the time will come when the hurdle can be jumped and pushed to the side.  

Dear Heavenly Father, you have been with me for my whole life, and I am so grateful that you chose me to be your Child.  Without you guidance I would be lost.  Thank you for not leaving me when I stray and for not dropping me off your list when I struggle to speak with you.  I have had some rough days in the past months, and thank you for showing me that I must walk the journey.  I pray that you will continue to remind me that when my day is bad, I need to find you, and talk with you, instead of getting stuck in my rut.  Heavenly Father, because of you I am able to share my story for others in hope that they look to giving their lives to you.  In Jesus holy name, Amen. 

The Meaning of April Fools' Day....

Different than You Expect

What do you think of on April 1st?  For many people, it's April Fools' Day.  This day is observed throughout the Western world.  Practices include sending someone on a "fool's errand," looking for things that don't exist; playing pranks; and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things. Are you a April Fool victim?  Personally, I find it impossible to believe anything on April 1st, due to the pranking and hoaxes that take place.  Even some newspapers, magazines, and other media report fake stories, which are then explained the next day or later in the day.  April Fool's is not a public holiday in any other country then our own. 

But April 1, has so much more meaning to that for me. Growing up, I was always eager to hear about how my aunt played April Fools' jokes on her family.  As a birthday girl on the famous day, she was always bound and determined to not only not be a fool, but to fool to extreme levels.  I can only remember a few, but they included having a frozen cereal bowl and putting a "it's a girl" sign in a neighbors yard.  My aunt also did many other outrageous April Fools' jokes. I can remember as a kid, to be completely 'on my game' when speaking or seeing her on April 1st. Family members are special people in our lives and we rejoice with them as they celebrate birthdays.  If you know my family at all, you know that we bring a party and often a crowd to whatever we are doing.  But it is through love that this takes place. 

But 5 years ago, April 1, took on another meaning for me.  A man that entered our family though marriage, became an uncle like no other. He had his crazy ways (like we all do), but his outpouring love as well.  He was the guy that could sit for hours doing a puzzle or watch the same movie 4 times in a row.  He could get us kids wild with only seconds and knew more about fishing then I will ever know.  He made life complete in our family. But April 1, 5 years ago, we lost Uncle Henry.  He went to be with the Lord.  It was a long week of struggle for his wife, my aunt, and other family members.  God was there each moment, guiding my family from the hospital to home each day.  5 years ago, the emotions of death took over my family.  But through love we were able to join together as a family we supporting one another. 

During my growing up days, I was brought up in the Lutheran church.  And in the Lutheran church, there are the 40 days of lent when you give something up to become closer to Christ.  Maundy Thursday commemorates the Last Supper - a Passover meal that Jesus shared with his disciples the night before his death. During the meal, Jesus broke bread and offered his followers wine, saying "This is my body given, up for you, This is my blood give, up for you".  The following Friday, observed as Good Friday is the day Jesus was crucified and died.  It is very somber day on the Christian calendar.   Through the walk of these days, we are reminded that Jesus died for us, yes US. Easter is the most important Christian holiday, no not for the bunnies and goodie baskets, but instead as a celebration of the day Jesus rose from the dead.  Easter symbolizes forgiveness, rebirth, and God's saving power. 

Holy Week 2012 took me on a true journey to Christ.  I often reflect, that I feel my life grew deeper to God through that week.  Uncle Henry died on Palm Sunday.  I can remember exactly where I was when my dad told me, who I was with and the support that my friends surrounded me with.  We were doing the annual hike up Hibriten Mountain.  More than anything I felt empty, but I was reminded that death is part of life, through the lite up cross on top of Hibriten mountain. Throughout that week, we had preparations to take care of.  A funeral took place, in the town my aunt and Henry were living in, but he had requested to be buried at home, Lenoir, NC.  Lenoir was not home for him to us, but it was to him. On the day of the burial, we made our own flowers arrangements, rode together.  We shared memories of Uncle Henry, memories that were special and unique to us.  We joined as family to go to the grave side. Holy week took on a whole new meaning to me that week.  Jesus died for us!  Those 4 words are often spoken, but to fully feel them, wow. 

April 1 is not just a day on the calendar for me and honestly it's not really April Fools' to me.  But instead it is a day that I rejoice in knowing that my aunt was born to come into this world to make a difference.  And she does just that.  Her love for teaching swimming is incredible.  And soon will be a grandmother, and I have confidence that she will teach the babies to own the world with confidence, just as she does.  April 1 is day of birth and death for me.  A day that I rejoice for my aunt's birthday and a day that I remember my uncle Henry.  His life impacted mine in ways people will never understand.  There are movies that I see and instantly think of him.  There are inside stories that my family has of packing and moving my aunt here, that I will always have close to my heart.  His love for me was a blessing.  April 1 is not just a day on the calendar, it is a day to rejoice to the Lord, because he gave his only son to die for us.  God took a sad moment and helped me see the light.  I rejoice in the Lord. 

Dear Heavenly Father, 

April 1 is a sad days in a lives as well as a happy one.  As my family rejoices in celebrating a 50th birthday, help us also to care for those that are remembering the death of a loved one.  Today brings two emotions together that are opposites.  But because of you, we are able to see the blessings of death and the blessings of a birth.  Lord, you know our struggles and our weaknesses, you know our joys and our sorrows, be with us today and always.  Remind us to reach out to you in times of happiness and in times of sadness.  Lord, you are holy!  Thank you for sending your son to die for us.  In Jesus holy name, Amen. 

Choose what you eat!

Living life on a gluten free diet is an adventure for sure.  I've been gluten free for almost 3 years now, or something like that.  It changed my life for the better, it took away 85% of my belly problems.  Who wouldn't want to feel better?  I don't do it for the fad or for the "that looks cool", I do it to just feel better.  I actually find it extremely frustrating when someone tells me, "i think I'm gonna try gluten free too, that sounds healthy". It may sound healthy, and it probably is, but I don't do it to look cool or fit in with the social world.

 As I look closely at the labels of the food I eat, ponder at what to eat at restaurants and selectively pick what I make at home - I am amazed that changing my diet 3 or so years ago has impacted my life this much.  Like I said, being gluten free has taken away 85%, I have continued to struggle on and off with something that just pisses my stomach off.  There's a good chance that I do have some weird functional bowel issue or just a belly that gets pissed randomly about normal foods I eat. But - no one should have to deal with unexplained bloating that last for hours.  And that is where a revolution has occurred.  I post this story with the chance that someone that I may or may not know may read my blog and connect with this issue.  I post this story with the understanding that it may just be my body that acts like this and that I have a belly that just sometimes gets pissed.  But I also post this story to let readers know that you don't always know what is going on in someone's life. 

The revolution that I have recently had and I will be continuing to research it. After eating a meal cooked at home that I enjoy dearly, 15 bean soup, I quickly developed a extremely bloated stomach.  After trying every trick I knew and just waiting it out, many hours later I had relief.  Through the pain, I began to research what I could have eaten that pissed my stomach off.  I had no luck, until the next day as I was reading it again and read 'soy protein' - this is when I remembered that I had received the same reaction after consuming body vi smoothie mix....and what do you know 'soy protein' is an ingredient.  Pain is not something I wish on anyone, especially pain that  has no rhyme or reason.  So now begins my adventure of adding 'soy protein' on the list of foods I do not eat.... the joys of reading food labels. 

 Learn how to Read Labels

Being gluten free or being allergic or intolerant to specfic foods should be the only reason you read labels.  Check out that list.. this label is for pancake syrup.  There is so much in there, things I can and cannot pronounce.  This for example would be something I stay away from because of the 'caramel color'. No technical gluten, but something I have on my 'DO NOT EAT' list. 

 

This label is more likely what you think about when someone says, "Did you read the label?". This is also very important to understand.  It is important to know what we are eating and putting in our bodies.  Our bodies are highly impacted by what we choose to feed it, and we make that decision.  Next time you are shopping in the store take time to notice what you are buying.  I am by no means trying to chance how you choose to eat, or encourage  you to stop eating something, I just think everyone should be aware of what they are eating and filling their bodies with.  Gluten free and Soy protein free is how I choose to live my life so that I can feel better and live pain free.  Live your life so that you can be healthy, if that means making food changes than do so to make you feel better!   

Gluten free life is for me.  Know your food. Be aware that what we feed ourselves controls how our bodies acts, headaches, stomach pains, and more. 



Dear Heavenly Father, because you created us all individually we all have different ways that we must live our lives.  Some people cannot have milk while I cannot have gluten.  You made us all different so that we can be interesting and not be like everyone else.  Thank you for creating me to be unique.  In Jesus name, AMEN>  

It's not dead yet...

February is the month of love, at least that is what box stores and commercials say.  They want people to do outrageous things, buy loads of flowers, random razz ma tas - just to say 'I love you' on one designated day.  I have always found this to be ridiculous.  Many people told me, over the years that when you have that special someone in your life, ridiculous will not be your word choice.  Well I am here to say, that doing the above for Valentine's is still ridiculous, and I do have a special someone.  Leading up to this month of "love", I warned him many times of my despise of Valentines hoop la, and how I thought it was ridiculous! Thankfully, he didn't disown me because of this, but he also accepted it, at least that is what he tells me. But in this blog post, I have something different to say.  My special someone, is aware that this post is being made and is actually not made about him, but instead something that I have held on to for a few years. 

Two years ago, I was surprised by this gift sent to me in the mail.  The sending was not identified, but eventually was discovered that a true friend of mine had sent this to me.  A few things came to mind when I opened this plant.  1) For sure I will kill it, I can't keep any plant alive.  2) why me and 3) so sweet, but its valentine's day - and I don't do valentines day!..  Well years went on and my friend and I were close.  Now this is a person that I met freshman year of high school.  We were in classes together including band, where we spent most of our lives.  Many band adventures, but mostly a friendship grew.  He was someone that knew everything about me and I could tell anything too.  Most of my memories from high school include him, either in ways that are full of laughter or in ways that he never didn't stand up for me.  I went through a break-up, but he was there available to be a friend for me to yell, scream and cry with.  College came and our friendship continued, from party dates to ice cream dates.  Friends are a gift that the average person can't understand.  Well time has passed, we have all grown, but unfortunately are friendship has drifted.  This year on February 14th, Valentine's day, my orchid bloomed.  And I want to share some reflections. 

1) I thought for sure I would kill it 2 years ago, but yet I've manged to keep it alive.  It hasn't bloomed since I got it, but yet it stayed alive and healthy.  I would pray that our friendship would be like this.  Different things can interrupt friendships, but ultimately they can remain. 

2) Why me, why did I receive an orchid on Valentine's day.  BECAUSE, my friend is the kind of guy that things for people just because.  He has a heart that is full of making people smile, and I pray that there is someone that does the same thing for him. 

3) Orchid's are like the best flower for me.  They want to be forgotten and then accidentally remembered to be watered.  They don't need a lot of attention (though this one would probably appreciate a little). Friendships need to be watered a little more than this orchid, but can maintain over time.  Our friendship has drifted and our lives have changed, yet I hope that my friend will use an orchid to understand the friendship that we once had.  It may not be something that can be fixed to where it was, but at least it can be a conversation. 

This orchid and I have had our days, days when it was like dying and I forgot... but to see a plant that hangs on even when I have given up is so inspirational.  Makes me not want  have a few more orchid's sitting around. 

Dear Heavenly father, You ask us to imitate you and live our lives.  And that is so challenging.  But I will try harder.  I see this orchid and relate it to a friendship, because making a connection with something, makes it a little easier to understand the deeper meaning.  You are holy, and loyal to love us even when we have wandered off, that is so beautiful.  We should want to do everything possible to follow you and to listen to you, continue to guide us and to call us back to you, so that we will learn to follow you. Amen. 

Posting date

On days like this I try to repeat in my head over and over Jeremiah 29:11 and some Proverbs, but fustration of job seeking is exhausting and to be honest some what depressing. There are jobs out there and fortunately I have a job, but it's not where I'm called to be.  I know God has a plan and I need to listen, but I want to serve. I want to serve the people that don't have everything and that are receiving services and still live in gaps. I want to work with the less fortunate.  I do note write this today for sympathy, but rather a reflection of where my life stands. I have learned a lot working at the radio station, and suspect to learn s good bit more, but it all is a learning curve for me. At one point in my college career I thought communication was for me, but that is when I discovered my love for nonprofit. That's where I want to be. 

So during a time of giving thanks, I have a reverse thanks/rant. I find there to be nothing more frustrating then applying for a job and never hearing anything back or to find out that the job was filled on the posting date. I know sometimes the company already knows who will fill the position, but give us job seekers a chance or let us know. Take 5 minutes to send a email or fix your job posting. It may take an extra step, but it gives us job seekers an answer.  And more than that it just gives us an answer, it gives us hope.  Hope to possibly apply for positions at your company again and hope that eventually the email will say something differently. I know that one day if I am ever in the position of hiring, I will remember these feelings and give all job seekers consideration or an answer.  Thankful for what I have, but my passion to serve others is nagging at me to serve. 

An in a class in college once, the professor told us that unfortunately job seeking is not just about finding the job posting and applying...it's about who knows who. I understood this to be true, but sadly I think it is more true than it should be.  Now there may come the time that this happens to me, but people need a chance. 

As I often do, finish a blog posting with a prayer....

Lead me, guide me, along the way...for if you lead me..I cannot stray. lord let me walk each day with you, lead me or lord lead me.